As a slave to the hours that are hospitality, it has taken me a very long time to become accustomed to waking up prior to 1pm. Even though everyone between the ages of 21 and 28 can benefit as a human being by, at some point working this nonsense, the hours and lifestyle can be taxing. Most of us work in places where we don’t have to report to our post until 4pm and are left haunting all of those others unfortunate enough to work later than us, once we are finished, until around 5am*. This makes bed time, the very logical 5-6am. In other words, sunrise.

After moving back to Florida, I took a job where we operated during normal-ish human hours. We opened at 11am and closed at 11pm. Note for those that have not worked in hospitality, closing time never EVER means that people are actually gone and I am locking the doors and heading home. No, that would be too easy and it would mean that people are far too considerate (I mean, for realsies. Do people come hang out at the Tax Collector’s office, just sitting for no god-forsaken reason, until an hour and a half after closing time?!!) Come to think of it, what dick started all of this by either a)letting someone chill out way longer than necessary to finish a meal that clearly could have been finished within business hours, b)let someone make a reservation to START their meal ten minutes before close or c)set the bad example as a customer to sit and milk that last glass of wine, even though you slammed the rest of the bottle an hour ago?! 

What an 11pm closing time does mean though, is that I was able, as the bar manager, to be asleep by 1:30am. What in the WHAT?! Yeah, that’s nuts. 

I, hopefully, get home around midnight. My normal post-work decompression consists of shlopping down a couple glasses of wine, catching up on whatever it is that I happen to be watching that week on Netflix/HULU (I have been catching up on Mad Men and watching Season 2 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt again) and falling into my blissful coma-like sleep by 1:30am with a puppy on either side of me. This means that I have developed the ability to wake up, on my own, around 9am. 9AM! DO YOU HEAR THAT?! I am not a normal nine to fiver, so shut your face. My most productive hours used to lie between 11pm and 2am and I have never been exactly ‘good’ at getting out of bed before 11am.

 Ask the very opinionated, and very wrong, chef that I used to work with who said, ‘she’s up until 4am and goes out partying every night.’ People have a very incorrect opinion about my lifestyle. Waking up at 9am is unheard of, regardless of whether or not I am out ‘partying every night.’

But, I don’t know why I am defending myself here. I don’t know you! You’re not my dad! STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Oh man. Where did that come from? Anyway, here’s where I brag, Patrick Bateman style, while describing just how great my life is without a baby. PS. That’s what this part is actually about.

I wake up on a daily basis around 9am. This can fluctuate slightly depending on what I did the night before and what time I happened to go to sleep. Usually, the fluctuation is anywhere from the hours of 9am to 10:30am. Once I wake up, I drink the equivalent of one pint of Brita filtered water out of a big ‘ol sippy cup with a Dali mustache on it. Sometimes it is a Star Wars: A New Hope (of course) sippy cup if the other is being cleaned.

This water has either been sitting on my bedside table all night or I have freshly retrieved it from the refrigerator, again, depending on the night before. After rehydrating, I roll like a burrito in reverse out of bed and visit the bathroom, where it is tinkle time. Titus raises his dense little body out of bed and lays at my feet.

I pee, trying to keep my eyes closed so as not to wake myself more than needed. After peeing, I convince myself to skip the ‘I’m awake!’ skin care regimen and return to bed.Titus follows like ‘what the fudruckers man, I was comfy there!’

I lie in our queen sized pillow top bed trying to fall back to sleep. Our pillow top mattress has an additional liner on top, meant not only for cushion, but for waterproofing because we have gone through the training of two puppies. Puppies tinkling in beds can be a very real part of training, but thankfully, ours was more of a precautionary step. Our bed, however, is old enough to sag in the middle causing, every so often, mild back pain or discomfort. This leads to relocation to the couch when necessary.

Once I officially wake up, I grab my HTC One Smart Phone. While I do love this phone, I am very upset about having to purchase the second generation as my first one started spastically restarting and practically rendered itself useless. I researched and decided on that phone while trying to find the best camera in a smart phone as I run an etsy.com shop and need the highest performance when it comes to photographing products. This model beat out not only the iPhone, but the LG4 as far as performance plus camera capabilities.

On my phone and while in bed, I check my Gmail, work email, Facebook and Instagram statuses, bank statement as well as Craigslist job postings for not only ‘food/bev/hosp’, but ‘creative’, ‘salon/spa/fit’, ‘tv/media’, ‘writing/editing’, and finally, reluctantly, ‘admin/office’. I then move on to the Google search for ‘tampa bay museum jobs’ and pray that there is not something that I have already, over-qualifiedly applied for. Once finished, I peruse Facebook and get my daily news: such-and-such is having a baby, everyone’s married but you!, the Duchess of Somewhere re-wore her coat (scandal!), someone took a photograph of their paleo food (which is, completely normal, yet uncooked food), someone took a photograph of their paleo baby, someone took a picture of their paleo-baby wearing the same coat as a Duchess. 

I also do some online window shopping. TheRealReal.com is my drug. Designer what-not at half price? Those Louboutin’s aren’t going to buy themselves people!

The cut-off for digital debauchery is 10:30am, at which point I officially get out of bed, return to the bathroom and use a Burt’s Bee’s Cleansing Wipe infused with White Tea to wipe off the grime from bed. If you have already forgotten, I have two, 100 pound puppies. The grime is an unfortunate side effect. After removing said grime, I apply Chanel Hydra Beauty Serum to the delicate area under my eyes, Chanel Le Jour Moisturizer in other areas including my neck as well as the Super Serum of my own device, comprised of Organic Squalene Oil, Organic Argan Oil, Organic Sesame Seed Oil, Organic Wheat Germ Oil and Organic Rose Essential Oil on the other areas of my face. The Chanel products have proven to moisturize and work as anti-aging products, plus they smell fantastic and my Super Serum has proven itself to be an amazing moisturizer as well as prevent stress-induced cold sores. In a pinch, I have noted it’s use as a makeup remover as well.

After moisturizing, I brush my teeth with Sensodyne 24/7 Protection and Extra Whitening Toothpaste with my (or quite possibly my boyfriends) Oral-B Deep Clean Toothbrush. We use the soft bristles after having been told that harder bristles can lead to gum recession and I do have a habit of brushing my teeth around five times a day. My boyfriend just brushes like a maniac, so the precaution is. . . necessary.

From there until noon, I do some form of household chores, usually starting in the kitchen while I wait for my tea to steep. The tea of the moment is Paromi Tea, Organic ‘Detox With Me’ which is a blend of rooibos, lemongrass, nettle, peppermint and other botanicals.

In the kitchen, the coffee creamer has undoubtedly been left out from this morning, along with the jar of peanut butter from his sleep-snacking. He will also have left one, if not all of the cupboard doors or drawers open a la The Sixth Sense. I assure you, this is normal. I return the clean side of the sinks dishes to their respective places and may or may not decide to clean the dirty half. 

I sweep a bit. The kitchen and living room are done daily (they end up being swept twice, if not three times a day) and the rest of the place, once or twice a week. The resulting pile of dirt and fluff is amazing. 

I go outside with Titus and water the garden which, at any given time, has a wide variety of herbs growing. At the moment we have basil, mint, chive, rosemary, cilantro and a pepper plant. Titus is the only one allowed this privilege as the front yard is not fenced in and he sticks close to me. Kingston, on the other hand would take the opportunity and run. Like a punk. 

I then go inside and change in to my bathing suit, a cute two piece from either Victoria’s Secret (back when they sold swimsuits) or from Skinz (the brand for which he is the Marketing Director). I apply Pur-lisse spf 30 to my face and ears, being sure to go all the way up to my hair line and to get the whole area around my eyes, and apply Banana Boat Dry Oil with Argan Oil in an SPF 8 to either the complete front or back side of my body. I have a strict sun exposure time limit daily, as I am not trying to get burned or give myself premature wrinkles (also I get bored) so I rotate between front or back. I lie out for around one hour a day, between noon and 1pm, and read.

At 1pm I take my towel, book and water bottle and return inside where I draw myself a bath. I soak for about half an hour with a combination of Epsom salts and homemade bath bombs with relaxing and rejuvenating essential oils, or with salt and sugar scrubs which I have made myself. The homemade ones are blends of two different coarseness levels of Dead Sea salt, Turbinado sugar, Coconut Oil, Vitamin E, Orange Essential Oil, and a touch of Eucalyptus Oil. With Titus laying next to the tub, I continue to read while I soak.**

Before exiting the tub I do an exfoliating scrub with Caress Evenly Gorgeous Burnt Brown Sugar & Karite body wash. And on every other day, I shave my legs with a homemade Shaving Butter consisting of Shea Butter, Coconut Wax, Vitamin E, Argan Oil, Lavender Essential Oil and something else that I can’t think of right now. When I get out, I apply Jergens Wet Skin Moisturizer with Coconut Oil to my legs and COOLA Environmental Repair Plus Radical Recovery After-Sun Lotion to my face, shoulders and boobage area. Unhealthy and dry skin is not a myth! I’ve seen it!

And this is where we choose our own adventure!

Adventure A: I leave the bathroom, put on a sheer, short kimono style robe and flop in bed with my book. Our bed is positioned perfectly under the air conditioning vent, so I am able to dry off naturally while continuing to read whatever it is I happen to be reading that day. 

2pm is the cut-off for ‘Being a Bum’ and I go become a productive part of society. After putting on a mellow but energetic Pandora station, I begin filling orders for my Etsy shop, working on commissions, or creating new skin care products. Being sure to take dance breaks when necessary, of course. For these purposes, I suggest The Muse, Kings of Leon, or Van Morrison. If I am writing, it usually ends up being The Joe Rogan or Nerdist Podcast. 

The creative process usually lasts until 9pm. Around this time, Marco is done doing what ever work he has brought home and I am ready for a glass of wine. We decide what we are having for dinner and either start making it, or give up immediately and go out to eat. If we do decide to cook, we do so while enjoying a glass of wine, then sit down and watch a movie of some sort while eating. 

Adventure B: At this point it is time to get ready for work. After re-moisturizing I apply Evelyn Iona Organic Concealer under my eyes and along my cheek bone. This covers any darkness that may have surfaced. Next, I use the COOLA Mineral Face SPF 30 Unscented Matte Tint. This provides very sheer, yet even coverage along with spf, as a natural BB Cream, evening out my skin tone. Next is Dr. Jart+ Premium BB Beauty Balm with Broad Spectrum SPF 45. This is blotted under my eyes, in the same zone as the concealer, to brighten the under eye area a bit.

I dot and blend The Beauty Crop’s Lighting Cream Highlighting Cream following up my cheek bones. ‘Strobing’ seems to be the only makeup trend that looks natural on me and that I can follow on a daily basis. Over the apples of my cheeks I brush Chanel Irreelle Blush in Be-Bop. This color has been discontinued and the fact that I am still using it after a couple of years is probably disgusting. But the color is so perfect for me that I refuse to stop using it until it is gone, as they do not carry a new color equivalent. I dust the top of my entire cheekbone with e.l.f. Body Shimmering Powder to finish the highlight. 

I prime my eyelids with Elizabeth Mott’s Thank Me Later eyeshadow primer before sweeping Trestique’s Mini Shadow Crayon in Aspen Pine in the outer crease of my eye. With my finger, I blend this in to create a contour color and base on my lid. Again, using my finger, I go over my entire lid with MAC’s All That Glitters eye shadow being careful to stop at the crease. The Beauty Crop Glamazon Stick Creamy HIghlighting Crayon provides a slight highlight to the inner corners of my eyes. I line the outer three quarters of my eyes with Total Intensity Long Lasting Eyeliner, from Prestige Cosmetics, in Deepest Black. It is, simply, the best. I follow up with e.l.f. Expert Liquid Liner in Blackest Black to add a cat-eye and perfect point, over which I add Covergirl TheSuperSizer Mascara in Very Black. The Star Wars edition, of course. 

To finish off my brows, I use e.l.f. Brightening Eyeliner Pencil in some kind of ashy, milk chocolate color (apparently this is out of production too), before going over them with e.l.f. Clear Brow & Lash Mascara.

I tease the living nonsense out of the hair from the crown of my head, and secure the top to the back with two mini bobby pins into a mini pompadour. I then put the rest of it in to a half-ponytail with a clear elastic. 

I throw on some jeans, a bralette or sports bra, a tank top and a ‘top shirt’ of some sort 

I drive over a beautiful sea soaked causeway to and from work. Sky high palm trees line sun-drenched water on both sides. Water lapping at the shores while I drive for 45 minutes. 

He goes to sleep around 10:30pm, at which point I am able to continue binge watching whatever is in my queue that week. I either continue to watch tv while drawing or weaving, or grab my book again and read until around 12:30, when it is time for bed. I repeat all of this, or Adventure B, the next day.

The End

(May 2016)

*You are also forbidden, by law, to have any friends outside of the industry. You are in a completely different caste. They don’t understand how we stand for eight hours straight. We don’t understand how they sit for eight hours straight. They don’t understand how we can carry three plates and a glass of wine back from the buffet at the holiday party. We don’t understand how they have not developed this skill out of necessity and laziness (because who really wants to make four trips to the buffet?) Plus, you will just literally never see them. It’s like your phone has developed artificial intelligence and taken over your best friend’s personality.

**What I have finished reading following this method (and while writing this): Wine Spectator, dwell, Vogue and InStyle magazines issues from February 2016-July 2016, Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, Mindy Kaling’s Why Noy Me?, Amy Poehler’s Yes, Please, Kurt Vonnegut’s Mother Night, Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One,